Pain of Good News.

Yesterday I spoke to one of my dearest girl friend who is one amazing athlete, from running marathons, to cycling, to golf, to tennis you name it and she might have done it . Amazing isn’t it, to know that what a woman body is capable of but the irony is society always reduces the strength of a woman to giving birth. No matter what’s the discussion the comparison always comes down to giving birth, as if beyond that nothing exists for us. It’s empowering? Yes! but also regressive and conservative to be constantly reminded of only one strength of womanhood. Agreed that the body goes through tremendous shift and brings a new life in this world but is it fair to make it the only example of women’s strength and wholeness.

Why am I talking about this is, we as a women are already complete. This gift of womanhood doesn’t need a certification of hours of immense pain to reach the pinnacle of womanhood. I have few girlfriends who have very impressive profile in their respective career but don’t want babies and that is totally acceptable without raising an eyebrow. But why am I writing about this, I am already a mommy so why should this be given any thought by me? The answer is apart from a mother I am a friend and a fellow woman too and the amount of stress this question causes to any married woman who can or can’t have babies is insanely sad. Whats more appalling is the general consensus that the more educated the girls the more they run from family responsibilities. It’s hilarious and sad that in a society which is already bursting with skewed gender identity and roles, well wishers are so hell bent on insisting bringing in more babies and then raise them as broken adults.

To have a child or not is a very personal decision. People around us are going through different kind of physical or mental health issues and to constantly keep bugging them that why they don’t want a child or what’s the status of their treatment is so unethical and rude. Those who are going through it are already under so much pressure, they don’t need any added concern or drama in their lives. But the unwanted unwelcomed well wisher gang, get so persistent that leave alone the couple they go back till grand parents and discuss how hard it must be for them to know that they won’t have grandkids to play with. Whats frustrating is their constant inquiries about how did they take the news, how do they support and stupid small things which should totally not be their concern.

It’s so rampant everywhere irrespective of education and financial status, this urge to ask when are you having the baby. It happened with me too, people around me were having kids and one lady in particular dropped the bomb in a birthday party without any courtesy that “don’t you feel ashamed, everyone is a mother now and you are so far behind”. Imagine just four years of marriage, perfectly healthy girl in an educated society, I was shocked and disturbed. To imagine the plight of those who can’t have or don’t want for whatever reasons, how tiring and stressful for them it would be, to be constantly asked why not, if not now then when. Once I came across someone who said “these are the uber woke people, God knows what fashion is this that they don’t want child, it’s a blessing from God”. I wanted to say, it might be a blessing but also it’s going on since stone age and if five or six people in a society are deciding not to have kids then no calamity is going to come over human race but I kept quite.

Today I spoke to a very dear girl, my favorite girl and her frustration over it that when people will understand that not everything has a quick remedy and it’s not the end of the world. Why people don’t understand that this constant bugging of “when are you going to start the family” puts strain on the relationship of husband wife as well because the initial support turns into resentment due to constant rain of questions from society. Husband and Wife is a relation between two people, both cope up with emotional stress differently and constant badgering of when is the good news takes a toll on the relationship as well. Specially in indian society where divorce rate is relatively low, women suffer alone, irrespective of who has the health issue. By our Indian society standards male can’t have problems, the fault always lies with the female, it’s either the wife must be having some sort of issues or she is such a selfish woman not thinking about family name. Even in educated families the hint and resentment both are shown only to daughter in law or daughters as if it’s responsibility of only one person or gender. And if there is no hope of conception at all then it’s full blown wife’s fault. And society dosen’t help either, be it friends or neighbors or colleagues, their constant show of concern definitely make the matters worse. They think that they are helping by talking about it what they don’t realise that they encroach the very privacy of the person going through this ordeal. This is one issue where talking dosen’t help much but giving the person some space definitely does.

Motherhood is indeed a blessing but it’s not everything. All my girls out there going through “to have or not to have” for whatever reasons, you are amazing and you are complete. You are not missing anything in life, keep going from places to places and keep spreading your aura of positivity.

Much love.